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In my last post on this topic, I said that one of the most difficult temptations for coaches (and parents) to resist is the tendency to over-coach or over-instruct. The main reason I think that is the case is because in their zeal to help their players or children improve, they often get in the way of the best teacher – pure play.

But I also think there is a darker reason for why many coaches tend to over-coach or over-instruct. It is one I have had to face myself frankly (when instructing), and one that I have seen time and time again as a player. It is an uncomfortable one, but a very real one and, if left unchecked, one that often ruins the connection between player and coach (or parent).

The reason? It is the desire of the coach (or parent) to make himself useful or to justify his position or to speed along the learning process or to feel like he has some semblance of control.

That might sound harsh, but it does make sense when you think about mankind’s great tendency to make a life for himself by his works. Not only that, but it makes sense in light of the how frustrating the coaching experience can be because of how little coaches are actually able to control. Even more, it makes complete sense in light of the great emphasis on ‘success’ and the desire to achieve that success at all costs (this is especially true in college and professional sports). When you have to win to keep your job, it is very difficult not to ‘instruct’ more than you ought.

I have often said that many practices and film sessions I have sat through as a player haven’t really been for me and my team. At least not ultimately. The driving force behind many wasn’t necessarily the good of the team, but the protection of the coach. They were often designed not so much to make us better, but to make sure the coach could say, “Hey, I covered everything and did everything I did to prepare these guys. Now it’s on them.”

And this is true even when it comes to personal instruction. I have done it to a certain degree myself. For when you are paid to help someone improve, it is difficult not to over-instruct in order to make them feel like they are getting their monies worth. So you teach away and usually say all sorts of good, legitimate things. But in the end, you often say and instruct so much that you cause more confusion.

This leads us to point #5.

Show more than tell. Then show some more.

I am not sure how this correlates to other disciplines or activities (though I definitely have some ideas), but in the realm of sports, instruction by imitation seems to work best. By far. A few words are helpful, yes. But not too many. Too many words tend to confuse. It’s better to show than to tell.

I have seen this time and again with my son and with others at various levels of play. I learned early on with my boy that if I tried to explain anything to him about shooting a basketball, he would make an absolute mess of the jump shot and he wouldn’t really enjoy trying. But if I just tell him to do what I do, his jump shot looks pretty sweet and he is freed up to have fun shooting away. I can remember times when I started to forget this lesson and tried to talk to him about the ‘right’ way to shoot. “Keep the ball on your fingertips. Have a good follow through, etc.” He’d barely get the ball to the rim and wouldn’t look good doing it. He’d also want to go home quite quickly. So I would say, “Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Just watch me shoot for a minute and then fire away.” The results were immediate and the fun evident.

I have also seen this be effective with kids of all ages and even professionals. Over-thinking seems to stifle the body’s ability to do what it knows naturally how to do (or at least to empower it to learn the way it best learns). When it comes to teaching your body how to perform a specific physical skill like shooting the ball a certain way or swinging a golf club, you just can’t handle too much instruction. One or two things maybe. But after that, you have to let go and just let your body learn how to hit or shoot the ball. No doubt you will want some instruction. The key, however, is that you won’t want too much instruction. The good instructor will teach you not simply with words, but by example, and by helping you get out of your own way.

It’s funny, but when I work with higher level players, they often ask me what they are doing wrong on their jump shot or what they could improve technically. Usually I might point out one or maximum, two things. But then I say, “Honestly, the biggest thing you have to do is to get out of your own way. For the most part, you are fine. Just shoot the ball. Practice without thinking about it until it goes in as much as you would like it to.”

Profound right? Not at all. But it usually proves very helpful. And it is a lesson that I have to remind myself of time and again. If I want the ball to go in, I just have to shoot it. Try to make it and you are bound to increase your chances for a miss. Fire away and it will probably go in.

I hope that by this time you see how this second part of the post connects with the first. For as a parent or a coach, it takes a good deal of confidence in the natural learning process to say and really believe these sort of things. Not only that, but it takes you giving up control or the desire to justify your place as a coach. For when you rely upon imitation and practice and have to force yourself to keep your mouth more or less shut, you might lose a bit of your status. It might even look like you aren’t helping that much. You become more of a guide and, most tellingly, make yourself more dispensable.

But isn’t this exactly the point? It should be. You don’t want to be needed. Right? You want your players or children to be able to do the skill on their own, without relying on you to give them consistent instruction. At least I hope.

The simple fact is that many coaches struggle with this. Especially coaches that are paid by the hour. Or ones with a great pressure to win. But the interesting thing is that in my experience, the more you allow the player to own the learning process, the more effective you are and the more he or she will want to come to you for help.

That’s right, they will keep coming back, because it is fun for them to do so, indeed because they want to. You might even think to yourself, “I am not really doing anything for you.” But that is largely the point. You are helping them by doing exactly what you should. Keeping things simple, empowering them to learn as they best learn for their good.

And the beauty of it is that this mentality serves them well not simply by enabling them to improve, but by giving them the opportunity to own their improvement and most importantly, to grow in their enjoyment of the game itself. Showing more than telling is not only about teaching them how to play the game, but teaching them how to love the game. And isn’t that the most important thing of all?