Archive for Sports Psychology
2 – Love the game for itself, not for what you can get from it.
Posted by: | CommentsI could spend some time explaining yet another blog hiatus, but at this point, it would probably be a waste of breath. So let’s just say I am blogging again because I have had enough of my beautiful wife (rightfully) poking fun at my unannounced disappearances. We have had a few good laughs about my tendency to post a ‘blogging again?’ post every few months. So no need for that now. Let’s just move onto point #2.
Love the game for itself, not for what you can get from it.
This might be a subtle point, but it is a vital one. Hence the reason it is listed here as point #2. It is high up on the list, because from my experience (and from a Christian perspective) the best way to ruin something good is to put undue importance upon it, to load it down with burdens and expectations that it simply can’t handle. Or to over exaggerate its importance. Or to want something good for wrong reasons. To simply want something good too much.
This is true about virtually anything, but it is especially true when it comes to something you love and incredibly true when talking about sports. For one the beautiful things about sports is that they are supposed to be refreshing. Exhaustingly refreshing, yes. But refreshing nonetheless. They are supposed to offer opportunities for you to invest yourself into something that doesn’t really matter, to lose yourself in the joy of free play and thus, to walk away better, even more human you might say, than when you first started the game.
But the key to that playful experience is for it to be a free experience, that is, an experience with no extra strings attached. In order to enjoy play as you were created to enjoy play, you can’t play in order to get something else. Oddly enough, you can’t even seek the joy or refreshment of free play. To do so is to lose play’s very essence and thus, keep yourself from the real thing. No, your only choice is to, like a child, lose yourself in the play without the external concerns in order to get the real joy of the experience. Play as it is meant to be is play that is an end in and of itself.
This is true for adult and children alike. But the sad fact is that no matter what our age or experience, we all tend to attach things to our play. A game isn’t just a game. It becomes an opportunity to prove our worth. Or to show our parents or community or ourselves that we are really somebody. Or it becomes a means to making money. Or a means to fueling our pride. Or a way to fit in. And on and on I could go.
I remember listening to a great sermon by Tim Keller on the topic of work. In it, he said that from a biblical perspective the biggest issue with our work is not the work itself, but what we attach to the work. Or the reasons why we work. He called it ‘the work beneath the work.’ Meaning, because of the Fall, we tend to look to our works to justify us. Not simply good, religious works, but any kind of work. We work not simply to utilize the gifts God has given in service to others, but to make something of ourselves. To justify our existence. That is the real reason why our work is so often exhausting.
Well, if that is true in work, it is a hundred times more true when it comes to play. If you approach play or sports as a means to another end, you can’t help but ruin the play. Corrupt the sport. For you fashion it into something it was not meant to be. You place a burden upon it that it was never meant to bear.
If you do this to yourself, that is one thing. It’s a shame no doubt. But when you do it to your children, it takes the corruption and sadness to an entirely new level. True, you might genuinely love the sport (or activity) you are trying to pass on. But the amazing thing is that your children will know instinctively if there is more to your love that just the game itself. They will know instinctively if you are using the game (or even using their success in the game) for something more than the joy of the play itself.
We all know the stories about the overbearing parents whose kids end up hating the game they invested so much time into. Most of us can probably think of a few families right now who fit the bill. But the reality is that we are all affected by this tendency to use the game for something else. For we can’t help but be affected by it because this issue of identity and the ‘work beneath the work’ runs through every human heart.
Therefore, we are wise to take note of this fact and to be very diligent about the way in which we relate to our loves and to our children.
Let me end this post on a personal note: I will probably come back to this simple point time and again in future because it is one that is very close to my heart. The reason why is because I know I would have been absolutely ruined for basketball had my father attached undue importance to my basketball success. I am thankful he didn’t, because I was able to almost ruin myself by myself.
No doubt I loved the game, but as I grew up and became better and better at the game, I increasingly looked to the game (or more specifically, my success in the game) for more than it could give. Hoops became an idol in my life. Thankfully, the Lord saved me from it (and even because of it to a certain extent). But I know that if my dad had been the kind of dad who put pressure on me to achieve, I would have become an absolute wreck. And I am not sure I would have recovered.
Thankfully, however, I heard my dad say time and again, ‘If you want to be good, I will help you. But if you don’t, it’s all good to me.’ And the beauty was, I knew he meant it. Sure, he loved the game and sure, he did everything he could to help me pursue greatness, but in the end, I knew he didn’t really care about me achieving anything great for his sake or mine. He cared, yes. But not really. Or at least not too much. He didn’t do everything perfect, but he did that one thing very well. And it made a world of difference.
I plan on following him in that regard. And I hope you (and a million other parents out there) will too.
1 – Love your kids much more than the game. And make sure they know it.
Posted by: | CommentsI don’t think he said it himself, but I believe I read it in a C.S. Lewis book somewhere: “We need to be reminded more than instructed.”
It’s one of my favorite quotes and thus, one I return to often. For it highlights the fact that more often than not, we don’t need to learn anything new. We just need to do a better job living and applying what we already know. Or deep down what all of us know. Sure, there are times where instruction is needed, but I tend to think that our pursuit of learning new things can sometimes be a cover-up for our failure to do well what we already know. If we are wise, much of learning will be a re-learning or a reminding of good, wise, timeless truths.
Naturally that quote applies to this first point. For I understand full well that I am stating the obvious. I am not instructing so much as reminding you all what you already know. Or at least what you should know as parents. Love your children. Delight in them more than you delight in anything it is you want to give them – except the knowledge of God. He alone is the only real exception. In every other context, whatever it is we want to pass on to our children or to give our children, it is essential that we love and delight in our children more than we love and delight in the things we want to give them. Our love and delight in them must be real and lasting and genuine. Or all else is for naught.
This really is a basic of good leadership, no matter the context. Those you seek to influence have to believe that you want genuine good for them. They have to believe that to you, their good is an end in and of itself. And the simple fact is, they will see right through you if it is not. This is something you simply cannot fake. Your love and care for them has to be real. Indeed, I dare say that you will influence them only to the degree that it is real. If you want to measure how well you can influence others, first take note of how much you really care for them. Your influence simply cannot rise above your love.
In my own line of work, I have sadly seen numerous Coaches lose their influence (and sometimes their jobs) by focusing too much on winning and keeping their jobs. Yes, they may have told their players that winning helps everyone involved. And that is true. But whether the players themselves could express it in words or not, every single one tended to rebel against the notion because they realized that the Coach was ultimately concerned for himself. Even if things were good on the outside, players could just sense it. In Coaching, the only way to get everyone to buy into what you are trying to give them is to care more about them than what it is you are trying to accomplish. Indeed, if their own good is not central in your focus, you probably won’t get much else. And if you do, it will come at a steep price.
How much more is this true for parents and children! How many parent-child relationships are severely injured by parents taking too much delight in what they want for their children and too little delight in the children themselves? How often have parents with good desires for their children ruined their chances for helping their children obtain those good things by focusing too much energy on the good things themselves, and too little energy on the children themselves?
It happens all the time. And whether you want to admit it or not, it happens to some degree in your own life.
Of course, this doesn’t meant that you don’t love your children. Not at all. It just means that you are human and that you struggle with wanting good things too much. In this context, it means that you inevitably face a struggle to keep the right things in their proper perspective. As a parent, you want something for your children so much that you start to subtly or not so subtly push them in a certain direction. Maybe you make certain comments or put more pressure on them to do well in school. Or you treat them differently if they have a bad game or get a bad grade or perform poorly in their recital. It really can be anything. And almost always, it is something good you have in mind for your children that you just start caring about too much. In turn, you lose site of them and of simply delighting in them. And to the degree that you lose your delight, to that degree you lose your influence.
The simple reality is that if you want your children to love what you love, they had better know that you will love them just the same even if they don’t love what you love. If they sense even in the least bit that they will lose your favor, they will have to rebel just a little bit – for their own sanity at least. Sure, they might fake interest for the time being. Or they may genuinely share your passion. But the relationship with you and the thing you love will inevitably become strained. Neither will be all that it could or should.
So when it comes to passing on the game of basketball to my children, my first rule is that I must check my own heart for them first. My kids need to know that I love and delight in them no matter what, simply because they are mine. Whether they accomplish this or that or become this or that, they need to know that I delight in them because they are my children. My love and delight in them has to be lasting and real. If I want to be a good parent and leader, there is just no escaping this first fact.
An Outline for Passing on the Game
Posted by: | CommentsI promised an outline. So here we go. No doubt I might switch a few things around, but more or less, I have 20 things I would like to say. I know it won’t cover every detail, but I am confident that as we move through this outline, we should all be better equipped to serve our kids as we seek to pass on the joy of sports. I’ll begin with our first point tomorrow.
1 – Love your kids much more than the game. And make sure they know it.
2 – Love the game for itself, not for what you can get from it.
3 – Surround them with the game.
4 – Play first, teach second (or maybe teach 10th).
5 – Show more than tell. Then show some more.
7 – Emphasize the importance of practice.
8 – Make sure they have good coaching.
9 – Push without being pushy.
10 – Always be available to help.
11 – Fuel their dreams and keep a distance with your own.
12 – Keep the game in perspective.
13 – Teach the mental game.
14 – Watch out for the work beneath the work.
15 – Teach them how to win and lose.
16 – Always stay positive.
17 – Fuel Confidence.
18 – Make sure it stays fun.
19 – Use competition to teach life and character lessons.
20 – In all things, give them the big picture.
Passing on the Game – A Series
Posted by: | CommentsIf you are presently out of physical shape, you probably aren’t going to get back into shape without some sort of plan. And not just any plan, but a reasonable, semi-interesting one. I figure the same holds true for the blogger. And as I am so obviously a blogger that is currently out of good blogging condition, I have come up with what I think is a reasonable and very interesting plan.
My plan is a series of posts that I have chosen to title, Passing on the Game. I am not completely sold on the title, but when you are out of shape and need to get back to working out, you don’t get too worried about titles. Making the first few posts come first.
Anyhow, the focus of this series is one that I have wanted to write about for some time now. Essentially, I am planning on writing about 20 posts that focus on what it takes to healthily pass on the understanding and joy of sports to your children. I figure it is a topic that needs to be addressed for multiple reasons.
First, because healthy is usually not the first word that comes to mind when you look at American sports in general, and much of children’s sports in particular. A careful look through the sports pages each week will probably support that point. Or I suppose a more discerning look at your son’s next practice or game may do the trick.
Second, it seems to me that passing on anything worthwhile to your children is inevitably fraught with difficulty, particularly if you really want to do it in a healthy, life-giving way. I don’t care if you love Math and want to pass on the love of Math…or the love of God for that matter. It’s just not easy to thoroughly enjoy something and pass it on in a healthy way. After all, our tendency here and now is to desire good things too much. And can anyone disagree that this is often obviously the case when we want to pass on good things to our kids? We want them to enjoy what we enjoy so much that we might ram it down their throats and in turn, make it all the more difficult for them to enjoy it. This seems to be true especially with sports.
Third, this needs to be addressed by me right here and now because this is something I desperately want to do well. Very well. And this is true for me not simply because I want my children to enjoy sports (and yes, certain sports more than others I confess!), but because I myself received this gift from my fathers. Weird as it may sound, from my vantage point, the joy of sports (basketball in particular) is a generational gift that has been given and in some sense, entrusted to me. Not perfectly of course. Or in some sort of formal, serious way. But it has been passed on nonetheless. And I want to keep things going. Even more, I want to take all that is good and improve upon it for the next generation.
Fourth and probably most important, (this I am adding as an update to this post), I think we will find out that the principles or practices I set forth in my upcoming posts apply to much more than sports. No matter what it is you love and want to pass on, the principles are probably the same. And certain practices probably have their parallels. So although I will be addressing sports in particular, it is my belief that you will find much to apply to whatever it is you want your children to love.
So with those things in mind, I am going to write. I am going to follow (and yes, probably alter) the plan and hopefully learn a great deal as we focus on how we can best pass on the joy of the game. Is it easy? No way, but I am convinced that because of the unique nature of sports, it is well worth the effort. Not only that, but if you are a parent who to any degree enjoys sports, it is your plain old duty to do this well.
Rory McIlroy and the Deepest Sports Psychology
Posted by: | CommentsI am guest-blogging over at Vitamin Z this week. This was my post today.
I’m not sure how many of you watched the final round of the Master’s Golf Tournament yesterday, but if you saw any of it you know that the young man who went into the final round with a four shot lead, Rory McIlroy, played some of the worst golf of his life on the last nine holes. When all was said and done, he shot a final round of 80 and lost the tournament by 10 strokes.
In case you don’t know, a final round of 80 is like a round of 100 or 125 for you or I. Or worse, depending upon your golf game. So while I watched him fall apart yesterday I did a few things. First, I prayed that CBS would stop showing his shots live. I couldn’t take much more (thankfully, the Lord answered that prayer rather promptly). Second, I thought about the basics of sports psychology. A few thoughts came to mind.
1) The basics of sports psychology are easy to know and difficult to apply.
2) The basics of sports psychology don’t go deep enough.
I trust no one will be surprised by the first point. After all, no matter what our field of expertise may be, we know that reading about something and gaining a general understanding of something is much different than a full application of what we learn. Experiential embodiment is much different than a basic knowledge of facts or theories. The college student getting straight A’s in Mechanical Engineering is not equal to the 20 year veteran. The young theology student might have his facts straight, but he is not equal to the seasoned pastor who has faithfully applied those theological realities to countless real-life situations throughout the years. Knowledge is good, but it is not enough. And so it is in sports.
Rory McIlroy is 21 years-old. And yesterday he found himself on the biggest stage of professional golf, with the highest of expectations. I could be wrong, but I am almost certain he could explain to you the basic facts and theories of sports psychology. Stay relaxed. Don’t get overly concerned about the result. Get lost in the game. Etc. Etc. But guess what, when push came to shove, he melted. His knowledge might have been right on, but when the heat was on, he was forced to see that he really didn’t know what he knew. He needed more experience. And I, for one, am hoping his experience yesterday serves to make him better the next time.
Regarding point #2, I have to say up front that I have no idea what McIlroy’s beliefs are. And really it doesn’t matter for this point. For as I sat in my living room last night watching McIlroy’s fall, I could not help but reflect upon the inadequacy of normal sports psychology for moments such as the final round of the Master’s. For here you are on the biggest stage, with an opportunity to fulfill your dream of winning a Major Championship, with the hopes of many placed upon you, and the years of work coming to fruition…and you want to relax and be free from the fear of failure and/or free from the absolute need to make the coveted Green Jacket your own?
Come on. You can’t just will yourself into such thinking. Sure, some consistent training and more experience can help. I grant that. But in the end, it’s not enough. In order to really be at your best in those moments, in order to really be free, you have to know Jesus Christ and believe what God says about you when you are in Him. There is just no getting around it. The freedom you want from the need to prove yourself or from the fear of failure can only be found when you really know, deep down in the innermost part of your being, that you do not really need the championship at all. Sure you want it, but you don’t need it. For if you win it, it still doesn’t define you and in the end, it really isn’t about you, but instead, about joyfully honoring the Lord with the gifts and opportunity He has graciously given you.
Of course, to experience the freedom that is positionally your own in Christ, you still have to train. But the good part about this kind of psychology is that this kind of training is the same training prescribed for every single Christian. Believing the gospel is the basic Christian way of life. And though it may not seem so obvious to most, it is, in reality, the deepest and best sports psychology of all.
