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It is my belief that one of the most difficult temptations for a coach to resist is the tendency to over-coach or over-instruct his or her players. I think this is a case for a number of reasons, but the main reason is a positive one.

First and foremost, coaches usually have a genuine desire to see their players improve, and they want to do all they can to help them. Most really are passionate about this, so they seek to help their players by offering a great deal of instruction, more work, more talk, more drills, more film, etc. etc. Their motives really are good and their drive ideal, but if kept unchecked, they can easily cross the line into over-coaching.

And if this is true in coaching, it is even more prevalent when the parent is the ‘coach.’ Or at least the primary person trying to pass on a special love of his own. But the funny thing is that over-coaching often (I dare say usually) leads the coach to lessen his effect upon his players and his team. Over-coaching or over-instruction actually seems to hinder the learning process and definitely the ability to pass on the love you have for the game.

This leads us to point #4:

Play first, teach second (or maybe teach 10th).

The reason I put this point like that is because in my experience over-coaching usually goes hand-in-hand with losing the joy of free play. And the simple reality is that the joy of free play seems to be one of the best teachers around.

As it relates to hoops, we all know that most of the best players in the world grew up playing on the playgrounds of our cities. Most of these guys didn’t grow up doing dribbling drills they were taught by a coach. They grew up playing. They started young, hanging around the courts with a ball in their hands and kept playing until they could hang with the big boys. Of course, as the years went on, they began to get more and more instruction. Sadly, many of them got lost in the world of basketball instruction and never reached their full potential (I have known many of these guys). But some were able to put both together in order to really become their best.

But the simple fact is that for most of the best players in the world, play came first. Organized teaching came later. And the main reason the teaching was effective was because the foundational skills necessary to be great at the game were forged by free play.

On the opposite end of things, take US Soccer as an example. I am by no means an expert, but everybody knows the best soccer is played outside the United States. The funny thing is, however, that as far as organization goes, it seems that US Soccer is among the best in the world. My kids can enroll in micro-mini at age 4-5. They get their uniforms and as the years go by, get all sorts of increased, well-ordered (and even licensed) instruction. And yet, the poor kids playing in the dirt in Brazil can run circles around them! Why? Because they have received greater instruction? Come on. It’s because they have spent more time at play.

It’s funny to me really. In Europe the basketball is often more organized and orderly from top to bottom from a very young age. Much more so than in America. And yet, we are by far superior in hoops. And in America, the soccer is more organized and orderly from top to bottom from a very young age. And yet, we will have a very difficult time catching up.

My conviction: The playgrounds are the best training grounds.

And the most important thing about this conviction is that (I think) they are the best not only for training in the game itself (or at least its foundations), but more importantly, in developing a genuine love for and feel for the game. A personal enjoyment of the game. For it’s on the playgrounds that the game becomes your own. Or maybe more importantly, than the genuine enjoyment of the game becomes your own.

Not only that, but it is when you are at play that you can really begin to discover what your personal ‘game’ really is, and how you can develop it or make it better. What is your identity as a player? Where do you best fit on the court? How do you best play? And what do you have to work on to hang with the best? These questions are best answered when you have the freedom to play as you will. Or at least where the players themselves have to manage their own game. Odd as it may sound, the most important lessons are often learned when no coaches are around.

There is more to it than this, of course. That is one of the reasons I have 20 points (at least). But suffice it to say that over-coaching or over-instruction is, in my humble opinion, one of the deadliest of killers. A deadly killer not only of genuine improvement, but sadly, genuine love for the game.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that instruction isn’t needed. Rather, it means that the wise coach is the one who knows just the amount of instruction and structure to give. He is the one who understands that the right amount of structure will foster real freedom and growth, while too much structure will sadly have the opposite effect. Not only to his players’ detriment, but also to his own. In short, the wise coach knows how to get out of the way.

So what’s all this mean for me as a parent, both personally and practically? Well, it means that even though I emphasize the need to practice, I tell my son that the point of practice is to have more fun when you play the game. Because the better you are, the more fun the game can be. Not only that, but it means that I believe that one-on-one (or two-on-two or five-on-five) teaches a young man how to dribble 1000 times better than a bunch of cones and a whistle. It means I would rather have him make a million mistakes (and even form a few bad habits) while playing with his friends than have me over his shoulder telling him what he should or shouldn’t do. It means that I will play with him more than I will instruct him. It means I will do my best to get out of his way, so that he can love the game or not love the game as he pleases. It means I will look for and value neighborhood playgrounds and that I will probably one day tell him to gather up his friends rather than join yet another organized league.

As you can see, it means a lot of things to me. What does it mean to you?

As far as I can tell, if you really love something and want to know it (or be proficient in it) inside and out, you need to make room for both intentional study and instinctive immersion. I think that goes for just about anything. Learning a language. A particular subject. An instrument. And yes, a sport.

Not only that, but I think that if you genuinely love something, you will make room for those two things instinctively. As it relates to basketball in particular, the guys who only play when they are told to play (or practice) usually don’t really love the game. They might get quite good, but we aren’t really worried about that. Our focus is more on passing on the things we love. And when it comes to guys who love the game, they don’t have to be told to practice. They want to practice. Then they want to watch basketball games. And talk hoops. And learn whatever they can. If they love the game, they immerse themselves in the basketball world.

Therefore, it is my belief that if you want to pass on a love for the game in a healthy fashion to your children, you have to make room for both intentional actions and instinctive, joy-filled immersion. And from my vantage point, instinctive immersion is the more important of the two. That’s why point #3 is to…

Surround them with the game.

Again, I think this has application to many other things. But I can only focus on hoops and allow you to make your own application. And the funny thing about this point is that in some respects it shouldn’t even be a point. Or at least, it isn’t something you can do just because you heard you should. It’s just something you will either do or not do, simply because you either love or don’t love the game. For inherent in this point to surround them in the game is the need to do this naturally and joyfully. Not because it makes up some formula for getting your child to love what you love, but just because your love is real.

And yet, it is a point and a vital one. And one we are wise to at least be aware of. If we want to pass on a love for and knowledge of the game, we are wise to surround them with it. And to do so instinctively, naturally, joyfully.

As I think about this point, I realize that I haven’t spent much time explaining particular rules or strategies of basketball to my five-year-old son, but I am sure he knows many of them. In fact, I have seen him play with other kids and teach them the rules of the game. So how did he figure them out? Well, he just did. Little by little, he put the pieces together. I remember him starting out asking the funniest and most random things about the game (he couldn’t understand a charge for the longest time, but just thought it was funny to see someone fall down). But as the past few years have played out. As he has watched more of my games and practices and other games on tv. As he has heard my many conversations about the pick-and-roll or the dynamics of my teams. And as we have played countless games of one-on-one and horse and whatever. Well, he just can’t help but know and enjoy the game of hoops.

And it is my belief that this immersion, this surrounding, is the most powerful way to learn a game or a subject or a skill (especially from a parent). And more importantly, to learn how to love and appreciate it. For when you learn it in this way, you don’t just learn the x’s and o’s of the game. But you get down to its heart, its feel, its real depth of joy and meaning as a game. Sure, I could whip out the basketball textbook and teach him all sorts of things. But I know for sure he would be done in 2 minutes. And the funny thing is, so would I. But sit and watch a game? Or play a game? That’s easy to do for hours.

It’s been my experience that the longer I have played, the more I have appreciated and understood about the game of basketball. I have lived inside this game virtually my entire life and I still have these sort of ‘Ahah!’ moments where something clicks and all the sudden, I really understand, I really own and appreciate, something that I thought I always knew. It might have something to do with a particular method of play or it might have something to do with the team dynamic. But either way, it is something I could never really own any other way except through the process of immersion. Reading it in a book just won’t cut it. It can help a little, no doubt. But in the end, hands on learning cannot be beat.

In my experience through the years, I have come across some coaches who learned the game by the book. They love the game no doubt, but they just couldn’t play the game very long or haven’t spent a great deal of time trying to see things from an experienced player’s perspective. Consequently, there is often a disconnect between them and the players they coach. You can just sense it. The guys on the team just thinking (and sometimes saying), “This guy just doesn’t get it.”

But the thing is, if you ask most of them what they mean by “it”, they won’t be able to tell you. But they have a legitimate point. However well-meaning the coach may be, if he hasn’t taken the time to immerse himself in the game and instead, spent too much time learning by the book, he will miss its heart and soul. And most of his players will know it.

So when it comes to our children, if we have a love that we want to pass on, we need to make room for both intentional learning and instinctive immersion. We need to let our love for the game show and allow the basic moments of life to present us with opportunities to pass on what we know and what we enjoy. We should be intentional to an extent, but in my opinion, we should keep that to a minimum, especially when it comes to a game. We should just watch the game. Let them come to practice. Play a bunch of one-on-one on the mini-hoop…literally just for fun. We should talk about it because we want to, not because we think we should. In large part, we should just let it flow. Because when it flows our naturally, instinctively, the love for it is best passed on to the generation to come.

I don’t think he said it himself, but I believe I read it in a C.S. Lewis book somewhere: “We need to be reminded more than instructed.”

It’s one of my favorite quotes and thus, one I return to often. For it highlights the fact that more often than not, we don’t need to learn anything new. We just need to do a better job living and applying what we already know. Or deep down what all of us know. Sure, there are times where instruction is needed, but I tend to think that our pursuit of learning new things can sometimes be a cover-up for our failure to do well what we already know. If we are wise, much of learning will be a re-learning or a reminding of good, wise, timeless truths.

Naturally that quote applies to this first point. For I understand full well that I am stating the obvious. I am not instructing so much as reminding you all what you already know. Or at least what you should know as parents. Love your children. Delight in them more than you delight in anything it is you want to give them – except the knowledge of God. He alone is the only real exception. In every other context, whatever it is we want to pass on to our children or to give our children, it is essential that we love and delight in our children more than we love and delight in the things we want to give them. Our love and delight in them must be real and lasting and genuine. Or all else is for naught.

This really is a basic of good leadership, no matter the context. Those you seek to influence have to believe that you want genuine good for them. They have to believe that to you, their good is an end in and of itself. And the simple fact is, they will see right through you if it is not. This is something you simply cannot fake. Your love and care for them has to be real. Indeed, I dare say that you will influence them only to the degree that it is real. If you want to measure how well you can influence others, first take note of how much you really care for them. Your influence simply cannot rise above your love.

In my own line of work, I have sadly seen numerous Coaches lose their influence (and sometimes their jobs) by focusing too much on winning and keeping their jobs. Yes, they may have told their players that winning helps everyone involved. And that is true. But whether the players themselves could express it in words or not, every single one tended to rebel against the notion because they realized that the Coach was ultimately concerned for himself. Even if things were good on the outside, players could just sense it. In Coaching, the only way to get everyone to buy into what you are trying to give them is to care more about them than what it is you are trying to accomplish. Indeed, if their own good is not central in your focus, you probably won’t get much else. And if you do, it will come at a steep price.

How much more is this true for parents and children! How many parent-child relationships are severely injured by parents taking too much delight in what they want for their children and too little delight in the children themselves? How often have parents with good desires for their children ruined their chances for helping their children obtain those good things by focusing too much energy on the good things themselves, and too little energy on the children themselves?

It happens all the time. And whether you want to admit it or not, it happens to some degree in your own life.

Of course, this doesn’t meant that you don’t love your children. Not at all. It just means that you are human and that you struggle with wanting good things too much. In this context, it means that you inevitably face a struggle to keep the right things in their proper perspective. As a parent, you want something for your children so much that you start to subtly or not so subtly push them in a certain direction. Maybe you make certain comments or put more pressure on them to do well in school. Or you treat them differently if they have a bad game or get a bad grade or perform poorly in their recital. It really can be anything. And almost always, it is something good you have in mind for your children that you just start caring about too much. In turn, you lose site of them and of simply delighting in them. And to the degree that you lose your delight, to that degree you lose your influence.

The simple reality is that if you want your children to love what you love, they had better know that you will love them just the same even if they don’t love what you love. If they sense even in the least bit that they will lose your favor, they will have to rebel just a little bit – for their own sanity at least. Sure, they might fake interest for the time being. Or they may genuinely share your passion. But the relationship with you and the thing you love will inevitably become strained. Neither will be all that it could or should.

So when it comes to passing on the game of basketball to my children, my first rule is that I must check my own heart for them first. My kids need to know that I love and delight in them no matter what, simply because they are mine. Whether they accomplish this or that or become this or that, they need to know that I delight in them because they are my children. My love and delight in them has to be lasting and real. If I want to be a good parent and leader, there is just no escaping this first fact.